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Clench, Tone and Moisturise

Is anyone else bemused by the latest craze for huge arses? Haven’t we spent decades worrying about the size of our backsides to the point of spending hundreds of pounds on jeans and knickers that promise the world? Not to mention the body brushing, kneading, clenching and squatting. Has anyone here rubbed horrifically expensive cream into their butt cheeks in the hope that it’ll somehow take them down from one size to another? Intelligent women deluded into thinking flesh that has taken years to accumulate can actually dissolve away merely by applying lotion – this is a serious business and somewhere someone is making a lot of money based on our bottom paranoia.

Or at least they were.

Thanks to one Kim Kardashian big bottoms are hogging (or should that be blocking) the spotlight even more than little Kylie Minogue ones. I admit I’m struggling to get my head round big bottoms – in a manner of speaking. Not being a fan of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, (I’ve never seen the programme) I’m getting the message via the many selfies that find their way to Twitter and Grazia. So let me get this right… apparently Kim is madly trying to lose her baby weight whilst also trying to look younger and simultaneously grow her gluteus maximus. That’s no mean feat. Any woman over 35 knows you choose your body or your face; work on keeping your body taught, toned and tiny and your face will age. Keep your face looking plump and youthful and the stuff below your face will undoubtedly turn to mush. Somewhere along the line there will have to be a not so natural intervention because real life simply does not present healthy eating programs that result in Emma Watson’s face and Jessica Ennis’ body with a side order of Beyonce’s booty.

ImageKim Kardashian walking into a room backwards

There is an alternative however and one that has been around way longer than any Kardashian.

Re-enter The Bustle. A separate undergarment in its own right, the bustle was developed in the 1870s and was made of either horse hair or cotton eiderdown. It was secured underneath the back of the layers of skirt using tapes and was referred to in the fashion journals of the time as a ‘dress improver’. Clearly, the cool ladies of the 1870s with their fingers on the pulse felt the bigger their posterior, the better. So popular was this particular fad that by the mid 1880s the bustle had been re-conceived and featured a rigid metal framework which stuck out horizontally from the small of the back. Amazingly this new concept even lifted up out of the way when the wearer sat down and then sprang back into place when she stood. I bet Kim Kardashian’s bottom doesn’t do that. Although at this point, nothing would surprise me.

ImageBustles not by Spanx

Personally, I’m happy to clench and knead in the pursuit of the nice juicy pert bum I had before pregnancy and Krispy Kreme doughnuts but I draw the line at attaching horsehair to it. However there’s really no need as you don’t have to look too far to find really rather lovely (and sensible) pieces that do pretty much the same thing. Only this week the wonderful H&M launched their latest ‘Conscious’ collection which included a riding style jacket with a natty little bustle style feature (more recently known as a peplum) at the waist. Sadly I opted to go for a run before ordering one online and by the time I was back it had completely sold out. Grrrr… I’ll have to go for a run next week too now.

ImageJacket by H&M Conscious £69.99

Then of course there are the ‘magic knickers’ so often heralded as the answer by already svelte and miniscule female celebrities. My own research came up with at least five different makes of pant that promise to enhance, lift and optimise your buttock area. You can pay £72 for a pair of Booty Boosters by Spanx or just £25 for Esbelt’s Better Bum padded briefs. While the PR people attached to these undergarments have clearly had a riot coming up with all the alliteration for the product names, nearly £100 is a whole lot of money for something which is after all a pair of pants with stuffing. And bottoms, let’s not forget, are not like boobs which really cannot be improved by exercise once they have decided to head south, bottoms are really quite adaptable. I find mine very versatile.

ImageBooty Boosters by Spanx £72

Here’s what I suggest: Easter is just around the corner so my advice would be to eat a lot of chocolate to fatten those cheeks (both facial and gluteal) and follow up with lots of running up and down stairs carrying heavy bags for toning. Then spend the £72 you’ve saved on a fabulous flattering bikini. Oh so much more fun and your partner won’t get a handful of foam instead of flesh if he fancies a squeeze. I don’t suppose Kanye will accept flesh coloured Granny pants on his bride so why should we? I’m clenching as we speak people…

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